3 Communication Habits to Strengthen Your Relationship This Year: An Ultimate Guide to Healthy Connection
Whether you have been married for decades or are navigating a new partnership, the quality of your life is largely determined by the quality of your relationships. In Utah, where family and community ties are deeply valued, the pressure to have a "perfect" relationship can often lead couples to hide their struggles rather than seek help.
At Purple Sky Counseling, we believe that conflict isn't a sign of a failing relationship—it’s an opportunity for growth. However, how you navigate that conflict makes all the difference. In this 2,000-word guide, we explore the science of connection and three transformative communication habits that can move your relationship from "surviving" to "thriving."
1. Moving from Criticism to "Softened Start-ups"
The way a conversation begins is usually how it ends. Research by the Gottman Institute (a framework we often utilize in couples therapy) shows that conversations starting with "harsh start-ups"—blame, criticism, or sarcasm—have a 96% chance of ending poorly.
What is Criticism?
Criticism is different from a complaint. A complaint addresses a specific behavior ("I'm frustrated that the dishes aren't done"), whereas criticism attacks the person’s character ("You are so lazy; you never help with the house").
The Solution: The Softened Start-up
To strengthen your bond, practice the softened start-up. This follows a simple formula:
I feel... (State your emotion)
About what... (State the specific situation, not a character flaw)
I need... (State a positive need)
Example: Instead of "You’re always late and it’s disrespectful," try, "I feel anxious when we run late for dinner. I need us to try to leave 10 minutes earlier so I can relax."
2. Breaking the Cycle of "Stonewalling" with Physiological Regulation
Have you ever been in the middle of a disagreement and felt your partner completely shut down? Or perhaps you are the one who goes silent, stares at the floor, or walks away? This is called Stonewalling.
The Science of Flooding
Stonewalling usually happens because of Diffuse Physiological Arousal (DPA), or "flooding." When we are flooded, our heart rate exceeds 100 beats per minute, and our "fight or flight" system takes over. In this state, the creative, loving, and logical part of our brain literally shuts down. You cannot have a productive conversation when you are flooded.
The Habit: The Proactive Time-Out
Instead of walking away in anger, establish a "Time-Out" rule:
The Signal: Choose a word or gesture that means "I am flooded and need a break."
The Duration: Take at least 20 minutes (it takes that long for the body to metabolize cortisol and adrenaline) but no more than 24 hours.
The Activity: Do something self-soothing—read a book, go for a walk in Bountiful’s parks, or listen to music. Do not spend the time rehearsing your "comeback" in your head.
3. Building the "Emotional Bank Account" Through Turning Toward
Great relationships aren't built on grand gestures like expensive vacations; they are built in the small, everyday moments. Dr. John Gottman calls these "Bids for Connection."
What is a "Bid"?
A bid can be a look, a touch, a question, or a simple comment like, "Look at that sunset." Your partner has three choices:
Turn Toward: Acknowledge the bid (e.g., "Wow, it really is beautiful!").
Turn Away: Ignore the bid or stay on their phone.
Turn Against: Respond with hostility ("I'm busy, stop interrupting me").
The 5:1 Ratio
Stable, happy couples have a ratio of 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction during conflict. Outside of conflict, that ratio jumps to 20:1. By consistently "turning toward" your partner's small bids, you build up a "buffer" or an emotional bank account that helps you stay connected even when things get tough.
4. When the Past Interferes with the Present
Sometimes, communication habits are deeply rooted in our past. If you grew up in a home where conflict was explosive or non-existent, you may find yourself repeating those patterns. This is where Individual Therapy or EMDR can actually improve a marriage.
At Purple Sky Counseling, we often find that when one partner processes their own trauma or "attachment wounds," they become much better equipped to communicate clearly and calmly with their spouse.
5. Why Couples Therapy is a Proactive Choice
In Utah, there is often a stigma that you only go to couples therapy when you are on the brink of divorce. We want to change that narrative. Couples therapy is like "preventative maintenance" for your most important relationship.
Benefits of Couples Counseling at Purple Sky:
Neutral Ground: A safe space in Bountiful, Murray, or Farmington where both voices are heard.
Evidence-Based Tools: We don't just "talk"; we give you actual skills to use at home.
De-escalation: Learning how to stop the "shouting matches" before they start.
Connection is a Practice, Not a Destination
A healthy relationship is like a garden; it requires consistent weeding, watering, and attention. By practicing softened start-ups, respecting the need for physiological breaks, and turning toward each other's bids, you can create a partnership that feels like a sanctuary.
If you find yourselves stuck in the same circular arguments, remember that asking for help is a sign of strength and commitment to your future together.
Is your relationship feeling more like a chore than a partnership? Let’s work together to rediscover the friendship and intimacy you deserve.
[Book a couples counseling session here] and join us on [Instagram @purpleskycounseling] for more relationship insights and mental health encouragement.