Co-parenting during the holidays asks a lot of everyone. There are two households, two sets of traditions, extended family on both sides, and kids who want the day to feel normal. At Purple Sky Counseling, we work with parents across Utah who want the season to go smoothly for their kids, even when the relationship with their co-parent is strained. Family therapy in Utah and a few practical plans can make the handoffs, the schedule, and the hard feelings much easier to manage.
What Kids Need Most From Co-Parents at the Holidays
Research on separated families keeps landing in the same place. Conflict between parents tends to affect kids more than the separation itself. A review of divorce research in Perspectives on Psychological Science found that children in high-conflict two-parent homes showed more adjustment problems than children whose parents had divorced, and that most children of divorce do not have serious long-term problems. We cover more of that research in our post on how divorce affects kids.
The American Academy of Pediatrics notes that a child's sense of loss after a separation can last for years and tends to flare around holidays, birthdays, and special events. A rough December does not mean you are doing it wrong. It often means your child misses something, and they need you to make room for that.
What kids need most at the holidays is simple. They need to know where they will be, who they will be with, and that they are allowed to love both parents.
Settle the Schedule Early
Last-minute changes are a common source of holiday conflict for co-parents. A few weeks of lead time helps everyone.
Start from your parenting plan or court order. If it spells out the holidays, follow it. If you have legal questions about what it allows, talk with your attorney.
Put it in writing. A shared calendar or co-parenting app keeps dates, times, and travel plans in one place, so nobody has to rely on memory or a text thread.
Tell your kids early, in words that fit their age. Younger kids do well with a simple picture calendar. Teens want to know the plan and may want a voice in parts of it.
If plans have to change, keep the conversation between the adults first and bring the kids in once the new plan is settled.
Make Handoffs Calm and Predictable
Handoffs are where tension shows up fastest. Keep them short, neutral, and on time. Save logistics and disagreements for a call or message when the kids are not around. If face-to-face exchanges keep turning into arguments, a neutral spot like a school parking lot or a relative's porch can lower the temperature. If there has been abuse, threats, or a protective order, follow your court order and use a supervised exchange site, and talk with your attorney about safety.
A small ritual helps kids move between homes. That might be a favorite stuffed animal that travels with them, a goodbye phrase you always use, or a quick text after they arrive. Pack the things that make the next house feel familiar, like a blanket, a charger, or a favorite snack.
Keep Kids Out of the Middle
The American Academy of Pediatrics advises that children do best when they are shielded from conflict between parents. Here is what that looks like in practice:
No messengers. Kids should not carry notes about schedules, money, or complaints.
No reporting. Avoid asking kids what happened at the other house or who was there.
No sides. Speak about the other parent with respect in front of your kids, even when it is hard.
A large analysis of divorced families also flagged blurred parent and child roles as a particular risk. Your kids can see that you have feelings. They do not need to manage them.
When You Have Part of the Holiday Alone
For many parents, the hardest moment is the quiet house after the kids leave. Plan that time on purpose. Make plans with friends, volunteer, take a long walk, or start a tradition of your own. Some families celebrate twice and call the second one their own holiday, which gives kids something to look forward to and gives you a day that feels like yours.
How Therapy Helps Co-Parents and Kids
Co-parenting brings up old hurt, and it is hard to stay calm with someone you used to share a life with. Individual therapy gives you a place to process that, so it does not spill into handoffs. Child and teen therapy gives kids a space to talk about two homes without worrying about hurting either parent. Family sessions can help a household adjust to new routines.
If you have been thinking about it, our post on starting therapy before the holidays explains why a few sessions now can make a difference. For more everyday ideas, see our parenting tools for parents.
Getting Started at Purple Sky Counseling
We offer in-person sessions at eight offices across Utah and online therapy anywhere in the state. Reach out to our team through our contact form, and our intake team will match you or your child with a therapist who fits.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do you split holidays with a co-parent?
Begin with the holiday terms in your custody arrangement, then confirm the details in writing well ahead of time. Many families alternate holidays each year, split the day, or celebrate on different days. An attorney can answer questions about what your order allows.
How do I deal with a difficult co-parent during the holidays?
Keep communication short, written, and focused on the kids. Hold handoffs in a neutral place, avoid arguing in front of your children, and get support for yourself so the stress does not spill into your time with them.
Should co-parents spend holidays together?
It depends on the relationship. Shared time can work well when both parents stay calm and friendly. If being together leads to tension or arguments, separate celebrations are usually easier on kids.
How can I help my child with holiday transitions between homes?
Tell them the plan early, keep handoffs calm, and send familiar items with them. A small goodbye ritual and permission to enjoy time with both parents make transitions easier.